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Random Journal
1 min read
Mood: 
Energetic
Listening to: The Lion King OST
Reading: --
Watching: --
Playing: --
Eating: Chocolate Chip Cookies
Drinking: Cocoa!
It's finally snowing. Just a light, soft snow, but it feels magical and has put me in a baking mood! Yesterday I fiddled around with a Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe and made literally the best cookies EVER! And today, I want to make muffins. Random.
I think the snow has put me in a random, energetic mood. So I apologize about this pointless journal. But was just in the mood to write and update the journal! ... Because I never write. u.u''
Wish me luck on my muffins!
EnergeticListening to: The Lion King OST
Reading: --
Watching: --
Playing: --
Eating: Chocolate Chip Cookies
Drinking: Cocoa!
It's finally snowing. Just a light, soft snow, but it feels magical and has put me in a baking mood! Yesterday I fiddled around with a Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe and made literally the best cookies EVER! And today, I want to make muffins. Random.
I think the snow has put me in a random, energetic mood. So I apologize about this pointless journal. But was just in the mood to write and update the journal! ... Because I never write. u.u''
Wish me luck on my muffins!
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Terrible Day
8 min read
Mood: 
Depressed
Listening to: --
Reading: Envy by Gregg Olsen
Watching: Tough Love: Miami Reunion
Playing: Heavy Rain
Eating: --
Drinking: Water
Okay, so I don't normally write Journals, but right now, I'm so pissed/upset/frustrated/sad. u.u'' So many negative emotions that I don't even know how to process. Just so drained.
Beware: this is a long Journal Entry!
So my boyfriend's family is an unstable one. Pretty much he was removed from his mom when he was 5, because she was addicted to Meth and adopted out with his brother. 15 years later she is sober and wants back into his life, which he gladly accepts. And I understand, she is your "mom". I put " " because any animal can give birth, but it takes a hell lot more than that to be considered a mom. But to sum her up, she has 7 kids total, including Matt. All are from a different guy. She only has custody of two because her life is screwed up. She has been divorced three times and has a new boyfriend right now. Grandma is a pot-head and lives with Mom. The youngest kid in that household is 13 months old. Second oldest is 4, and then her 13-year old just moved back along with Matt's now 18-year-old brother (who he was adopted with). His 18-year-old brother is headed for jail within the next month, because he stole about $50,000 worth of stuff over the summer: two jet skis, a speed boat, rifles, money, jewelry. How he did it? No idea. He suffers from some bi-polarism. The 13-year-old is sexually active and is having sex with fellas in highschool. How do I know? She tells me, as much as I tell her to stop and enjoy her youth. Once, mom vanished for a whole day leaving this 13-year-old in charge of the baby and four-year-old. Mom didn't get home till about 3am. What was she doing? Getting stoned with Grandma. So that is the environment Matt visited this weekend.
Fortunately, my man is nothing like his family.
Because it's Christmas, he just wanted to visit his mom, to say "hi" and Merry Christmas. I chose not to go, because I can't stand being surrounded by such unstable chaos. Matt only meant to stay Friday night, but ended up staying Saturday night too. I got a text this morning from him telling me his keys to his car are gone. Both sets. One was in his sweatshirt pocket and the other in his duffel bag. His sweatshirt magically "disappeared" with the keys, along with the keys in his duffel bag. So I told Matt I would drive the 90 minute drive to give him my spare for his car if need be. I asked if he could meet me someplace halfway however? That would be most convenient for us both. He said yes, this is a possibility, at 11am. Through out the day we continue to text: "When should I leave?" "Where do you want to meet?" etc. etc. It wasn't till about 7pm that we're finally able to meet up. Because his family decided to go about their merry day without a care on how Matt got home. Which freakin' pissed me off. He is your son, and you should be doing everything in your goddamned power to get this kid home! Drive him yourself, asshole. But there was only one car, and the mom's boyfriend had it all day. So call him! And get his ass back home so Matt can use it to get home!
Now my theory on all of this, is that his 18-year-old, jail awaiting brother stole the keys in hopes Matt would leave for the evening and come back to the cities. This would give him an opportunity to steal the car and sell it for money - because he has those types of problems.
Matt hasn't texted me yet whether or not his car is still there. But it just bugs me how his family couldn't give a shit if he stays. I'm sure they WANT him to stay because he is the "good" child. 3.8 GPA. Soon-to-be College graduate. He has his life together, and I'm sure his free loading "family" see him as an easy pawn to play with.
Matt would do anything for a family, because he doesn't have one. I am the only family he has. Me. My mom. And him. We are his family and all he knows. So of course he would do anything to have an actual family. He was in foster care half of his life, then adopted out to some crazy psychos. Once he was 18, he moved out.
Which brings me to this holiday season and my fucked-up of a family.
Christmas is always a time for selfless acts of love and to include others who have nothing. This would include Matt. Now, as I've gotten older, I have realized how freakin' selfish my family can be. My grandma especially. Every year we do the same thing: over at her house at a specific time, open presents at a specific time, and eat a big meal at a specific time - all designated by her. It's rather controlling. Any time anyone wants to bring someone over, she agrees to it, but then behind your back will bitch and moan about how it ruined her day.
Example: My mom has been divorced for 15 or so years. Sometimes, when she is in a committed relationship, she will want to bring over her boyfriend so the family can meet him. Grandma makes such a big deal about the "family only".
And honestly, it feels like my "family" is the popular clique at school and you have to pass a certain test in order to gain access into our "club". Fuck. I don't even want to be a member of this club.
Matt and I have been together for 2 and a half years. We were best friends for 5 years before that and lived next door to each other. I'm dating the guy next door. And hopefully this Christmas (or winter) we can be engaged. We have ring shopped and have it picked out. Now just playing the waiting game. ;]
But my Grandma says how she wants "family only" this year. But keep in mind, Matt has never come to any family events till this Thanksgiving. He came in the evening after mealtime and pie. So it's not like he was intruding on anything. And because my family is so "cliquey", they were huddled in the living room talking about my Cousin's and their hockey/football/baseball/ohhowspecialtheyaresport! Which, whoever doesn't get it, is not included in that conversation. You can't get a word in without it going back to my aunt and he two best boys! Oooo. So when Matt came in, they continued to talk. Super rude, and I was so embarrassed. So mom and Matt and I colored the Star Tribune giant Turkey thing for 40 minutes. THEN did some of my family decide to come over and try to talk.
Matt is a super shy guy, and if not engaged, won't start the conversation. Did they engage in conversation? No. Did they try? Barely. It felt like they were pulling teeth. But why would he want to talk? No one acknowledged him for the first 40 minutes he was there!
So when I asked my grandma if Matt could stop by for Christmas, she said she wanted the "family only" and that Matt is not comfortable yet around the "family".
A.) Define "family only". Because Matt is my family.
B.) How do you expect him to get comfortable around you pricks if you don't even invite/engage him?!
I get it. It's her house, her rules. But this is my Christmas too. And as her only Granddaughter, I would think she would remember this. My Grandma can be very selfless when it comes to physical things: clothes, money, car stuff. But emotional stuff, forget it.
This Christmas is depressing, because I want to include all MY family. Not just hers. :\ Matt has nothing to do on Christmas. Really? You're going to exclude him?
I don't want to have to cater to only my Grandma's plans on Christmas. What about my plans? My mom's? My Brother's? I just wish she wanted to get to know Matt better. She said when the ring is on my finger it will be different. Wtf. She just has to control everything?
So I think this Christmas I will be leaving Grandma's early, visit Jarvis, then go spend the evening with my "other" family.
Just so many negative emotions about this weekend and the Holidays. My body doesn't know how to process them. :\ I just wish my family weren't so selfish. I wish people weren't so selfish. I would love to have one of those big family gatherings where everyone is laughing and having great conversation. Someday it will happen. I just have to be patient.
DepressedListening to: --
Reading: Envy by Gregg Olsen
Watching: Tough Love: Miami Reunion
Playing: Heavy Rain
Eating: --
Drinking: Water
Okay, so I don't normally write Journals, but right now, I'm so pissed/upset/frustrated/sad. u.u'' So many negative emotions that I don't even know how to process. Just so drained.
Beware: this is a long Journal Entry!
So my boyfriend's family is an unstable one. Pretty much he was removed from his mom when he was 5, because she was addicted to Meth and adopted out with his brother. 15 years later she is sober and wants back into his life, which he gladly accepts. And I understand, she is your "mom". I put " " because any animal can give birth, but it takes a hell lot more than that to be considered a mom. But to sum her up, she has 7 kids total, including Matt. All are from a different guy. She only has custody of two because her life is screwed up. She has been divorced three times and has a new boyfriend right now. Grandma is a pot-head and lives with Mom. The youngest kid in that household is 13 months old. Second oldest is 4, and then her 13-year old just moved back along with Matt's now 18-year-old brother (who he was adopted with). His 18-year-old brother is headed for jail within the next month, because he stole about $50,000 worth of stuff over the summer: two jet skis, a speed boat, rifles, money, jewelry. How he did it? No idea. He suffers from some bi-polarism. The 13-year-old is sexually active and is having sex with fellas in highschool. How do I know? She tells me, as much as I tell her to stop and enjoy her youth. Once, mom vanished for a whole day leaving this 13-year-old in charge of the baby and four-year-old. Mom didn't get home till about 3am. What was she doing? Getting stoned with Grandma. So that is the environment Matt visited this weekend.
Fortunately, my man is nothing like his family.
Because it's Christmas, he just wanted to visit his mom, to say "hi" and Merry Christmas. I chose not to go, because I can't stand being surrounded by such unstable chaos. Matt only meant to stay Friday night, but ended up staying Saturday night too. I got a text this morning from him telling me his keys to his car are gone. Both sets. One was in his sweatshirt pocket and the other in his duffel bag. His sweatshirt magically "disappeared" with the keys, along with the keys in his duffel bag. So I told Matt I would drive the 90 minute drive to give him my spare for his car if need be. I asked if he could meet me someplace halfway however? That would be most convenient for us both. He said yes, this is a possibility, at 11am. Through out the day we continue to text: "When should I leave?" "Where do you want to meet?" etc. etc. It wasn't till about 7pm that we're finally able to meet up. Because his family decided to go about their merry day without a care on how Matt got home. Which freakin' pissed me off. He is your son, and you should be doing everything in your goddamned power to get this kid home! Drive him yourself, asshole. But there was only one car, and the mom's boyfriend had it all day. So call him! And get his ass back home so Matt can use it to get home!
Now my theory on all of this, is that his 18-year-old, jail awaiting brother stole the keys in hopes Matt would leave for the evening and come back to the cities. This would give him an opportunity to steal the car and sell it for money - because he has those types of problems.
Matt hasn't texted me yet whether or not his car is still there. But it just bugs me how his family couldn't give a shit if he stays. I'm sure they WANT him to stay because he is the "good" child. 3.8 GPA. Soon-to-be College graduate. He has his life together, and I'm sure his free loading "family" see him as an easy pawn to play with.
Matt would do anything for a family, because he doesn't have one. I am the only family he has. Me. My mom. And him. We are his family and all he knows. So of course he would do anything to have an actual family. He was in foster care half of his life, then adopted out to some crazy psychos. Once he was 18, he moved out.
Which brings me to this holiday season and my fucked-up of a family.
Christmas is always a time for selfless acts of love and to include others who have nothing. This would include Matt. Now, as I've gotten older, I have realized how freakin' selfish my family can be. My grandma especially. Every year we do the same thing: over at her house at a specific time, open presents at a specific time, and eat a big meal at a specific time - all designated by her. It's rather controlling. Any time anyone wants to bring someone over, she agrees to it, but then behind your back will bitch and moan about how it ruined her day.
Example: My mom has been divorced for 15 or so years. Sometimes, when she is in a committed relationship, she will want to bring over her boyfriend so the family can meet him. Grandma makes such a big deal about the "family only".
And honestly, it feels like my "family" is the popular clique at school and you have to pass a certain test in order to gain access into our "club". Fuck. I don't even want to be a member of this club.
Matt and I have been together for 2 and a half years. We were best friends for 5 years before that and lived next door to each other. I'm dating the guy next door. And hopefully this Christmas (or winter) we can be engaged. We have ring shopped and have it picked out. Now just playing the waiting game. ;]
But my Grandma says how she wants "family only" this year. But keep in mind, Matt has never come to any family events till this Thanksgiving. He came in the evening after mealtime and pie. So it's not like he was intruding on anything. And because my family is so "cliquey", they were huddled in the living room talking about my Cousin's and their hockey/football/baseball/ohhowspecialtheyaresport! Which, whoever doesn't get it, is not included in that conversation. You can't get a word in without it going back to my aunt and he two best boys! Oooo. So when Matt came in, they continued to talk. Super rude, and I was so embarrassed. So mom and Matt and I colored the Star Tribune giant Turkey thing for 40 minutes. THEN did some of my family decide to come over and try to talk.
Matt is a super shy guy, and if not engaged, won't start the conversation. Did they engage in conversation? No. Did they try? Barely. It felt like they were pulling teeth. But why would he want to talk? No one acknowledged him for the first 40 minutes he was there!
So when I asked my grandma if Matt could stop by for Christmas, she said she wanted the "family only" and that Matt is not comfortable yet around the "family".
A.) Define "family only". Because Matt is my family.
B.) How do you expect him to get comfortable around you pricks if you don't even invite/engage him?!
I get it. It's her house, her rules. But this is my Christmas too. And as her only Granddaughter, I would think she would remember this. My Grandma can be very selfless when it comes to physical things: clothes, money, car stuff. But emotional stuff, forget it.
This Christmas is depressing, because I want to include all MY family. Not just hers. :\ Matt has nothing to do on Christmas. Really? You're going to exclude him?
I don't want to have to cater to only my Grandma's plans on Christmas. What about my plans? My mom's? My Brother's? I just wish she wanted to get to know Matt better. She said when the ring is on my finger it will be different. Wtf. She just has to control everything?
So I think this Christmas I will be leaving Grandma's early, visit Jarvis, then go spend the evening with my "other" family.
Just so many negative emotions about this weekend and the Holidays. My body doesn't know how to process them. :\ I just wish my family weren't so selfish. I wish people weren't so selfish. I would love to have one of those big family gatherings where everyone is laughing and having great conversation. Someday it will happen. I just have to be patient.
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